ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.