Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You Might Also Like
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W