Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Mad Max Arctic Road
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril