Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
You Might Also Like
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
This classic never gets old . . .
hi why am I like this
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.