*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?