me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
new year update: losing everything but weight
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Thank you corporation very cool
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.