paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.