Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You Might Also Like
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent