HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid