*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.