Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?