All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The point of your 20s