You Might Also Like
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
There’s no “u” in narcissist
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.