Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly