me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Buying a well is money well spent.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source