If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Every time.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The news
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
What if the weather talks about us?
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace