I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.