“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My new favorite headline
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
This is my pinned tweet
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.