I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.