I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
liiiiiiiiike
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes