I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*