What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
LA today:
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!