TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Zack Greinke stories are the best