WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.