She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Beware of the dog..
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio