yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.