What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
“HELP WITH CAT”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else