I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
marvel comics have peaked
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
we’re gonna need another temp
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.