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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.