Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
me logging onto twitter
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.