Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
You Might Also Like
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream