Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.