Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
This is me 🤣🤣
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Breaking news:
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*