Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
How do you like your Corgi?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.