just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Effort made
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.