If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The Punning Dead.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.