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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!