this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The Onion called it…again.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.