yeah 😭
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Cardio Made Easy
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
CUTE CAT‼︎
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.