Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Canada has crack?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.