Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
i really liked this one
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.