Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal