I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele