My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?