Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
men are simple creatures
Beware of the dog..
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes