Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
no one likes gloating
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
sry
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR