“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
How do you like your Corgi?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
crochet youtube is brutal
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
favorite tropes as memes
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”