A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.