My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.