I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.